Paul sat alone at the bar. He was exhausted from a day at work and just needed to get his mind off things. He wasn't a regular at this bar, but he passed by it on his way to the subway. The bright neon lights had drawn him in tonight, promising an escape from his monotonous day. He sipped his frosted mug of beer and tried to forget the 10 lonely hours he had spent in his cubicle. He had been sitting at the bar for about an hor now, delaying his return home knowing that only his dog Rex would be awaiting him. He continued with his drink and chatted with the bartende"r about the Red Sox game last night. It was during this average, uninteresting moment that she walked in.
He had never seen anything like her. She was wearing a black dress, not overly extravagent but extravagent enough to draw his eyes. Her brown hair hung loose on her shoulders and her high heels clicked as she walked toward the bar. Paul lowered his eyes, knowing that a woman like this would never give him a second glance. However, out of the corner of his eye he saw her slow her walk and sit on the stool next to him.
"What should I do?" he thought. "Should I give it a chance and try to talk to her, or just save my breath?" As she ordered a drink from the bartender, Paul continued to wrestle with these thoughts in his mind. When she tapped him on the arm, his whole body froze. She asked why he was alone at the bar tonight, and he didn't know what to say. "Should I make up a story to make myself look better than I am or just tell her the plain, boring truth?" He decided to tell her the truth; he was on his way home from work and had stopped in to relax. He asked her the same question. "I'm meeting my friend here for some drinks" she said. "We do it every Tuesday and I had never seen you here before, so I just though I'd ask". He was sure that she could tell by his face that he was happy she had. "My name's Anna" she said. "What's yours?"
They continued their seemingly average conversation, but to both of them it was so much more. Paul had never dream that a girl as beautiful as Anna would approach him; if you had told him an hour before that he was going to meet his future wife, he would have laughed. Such an average day had turned into an extraordinary one for both of them.
He had never seen anything like her. She was wearing a black dress, not overly extravagent but extravagent enough to draw his eyes. Her brown hair hung loose on her shoulders and her high heels clicked as she walked toward the bar. Paul lowered his eyes, knowing that a woman like this would never give him a second glance. However, out of the corner of his eye he saw her slow her walk and sit on the stool next to him.
"What should I do?" he thought. "Should I give it a chance and try to talk to her, or just save my breath?" As she ordered a drink from the bartender, Paul continued to wrestle with these thoughts in his mind. When she tapped him on the arm, his whole body froze. She asked why he was alone at the bar tonight, and he didn't know what to say. "Should I make up a story to make myself look better than I am or just tell her the plain, boring truth?" He decided to tell her the truth; he was on his way home from work and had stopped in to relax. He asked her the same question. "I'm meeting my friend here for some drinks" she said. "We do it every Tuesday and I had never seen you here before, so I just though I'd ask". He was sure that she could tell by his face that he was happy she had. "My name's Anna" she said. "What's yours?"
They continued their seemingly average conversation, but to both of them it was so much more. Paul had never dream that a girl as beautiful as Anna would approach him; if you had told him an hour before that he was going to meet his future wife, he would have laughed. Such an average day had turned into an extraordinary one for both of them.
Good job staying in Paul's head. His character appeals to me as shy, he feels unattractive, and is gentle if plain. Both characters could have used a line or two of description, especially the girl, the visual focal point. What is unique about her beauty? I liked the conclusion: you jumped years ahead and emphasized what an important moment that really was for both of them. Good story, thanks for the two minute vacation. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteI really like how rounded out this story is. I agree with russell about giving the characters some physical desciption but you can tell a lot about them from what youve described in there thoughts and actions.
ReplyDeleteVery awesome first draft!
Hayley,
ReplyDeleteI liked this story a lot, in the way you stayed in the mind of Paul. He wasn't sure what to do about Anna but he still showed collectiveness and calmness. I like the ending of the story where you tell us about the marriage. But I would like to know what it is about this girl that made Paul so into her. It clearly could not only have been her looks, like could it be the way she talks, her personality, her generosity, etc? Very good draft, this story has the capacity to expand a lot.
I like the line: The bright neon lights had drawn him in tonight, promising an escape from his monotonous day.
ReplyDeleteI like the contrast between the 10 lonely hours in the cubicle and then meeting a fantasy woman like Anna. It builds the dramatic tension.
ReplyDelete